Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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