So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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