I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
