How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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