he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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