I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
