Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
