girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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