cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
