my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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