3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
