The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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