Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
