I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
