turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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