i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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