News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
