we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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