The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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