so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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