she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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