I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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