Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize