So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
