May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
