True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she peed on how many people?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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