I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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