true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
