At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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