I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
