and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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