You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
