he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
