I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
