when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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