Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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