Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
