i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
