Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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