my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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