you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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