my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
