I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
