i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
