She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Green mimosas i think yes
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
