how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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