I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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