Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i've created a new STD.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
