it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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