Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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