I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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