i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
