there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
