good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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