I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
