I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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