I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
